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In the recent past my lips uttered this phrase to an otherwise glowing personage, "I do not like who you are when you are drunk." Making such declarations oft inspires a bit of introspection, and this instance was no exception. Thereby, in justification of my own vauguely Bukowskian lifestyle, I grant thee fine readers a brief synopsis of why I am a better drunk than you.

The strongest arguement is my superhuman ability to maintain some semblance of sobriety until I am hidden away where I can puke/pass out. Even in an extreme state of intoxication, I will hold onto the unraveling threads of our conversation until it comes to some sort of organic conclusion, whereupon I shall gracefully excuse myself and find a safe place to wallow in my excesses.

Another point in my favor is the fact that my lusty nature refrains from attack mode even under the spell of the sweetest of fermented nectars. This does not mean that I do not want to fuck you. Of course I want to fuck you, you are hot! But I digress, what this means is that if you do not want to fuck me (perish the thought!) I shall not throw myself at you, nor taunt you with teasing glimpses of my glistening flesh, glorious as it may be. It is best, methinks, to retain a degree of discretion in these matters, and jamming my toungue down your throat at the bar would be in stark contrast to that belief. The idea certainly has fueled certain instances of self pleasure in the privacy of my own quarters. However, that is a discussion for another time.

These are perhaps the greatest points worthy of mention, but I shall toss in a few more for good measure. Being a native of Milwaukee (also known as Brew city) I am well skilled in many drinking games, and was raised by some high school football players who found me abandoned as a baby in the woods to be quite the contest drinker. Last in the waterfall - no problem, I'll just finish the whole beer, and I have been known to do an admirable keg-stand or even slam a pitcher in my mirthfull days of youth. I have, admittedly, not attempted these feats since time has placed me on the darkside of my twenties, but the talent is still there. Additionally, I am able to cut myself off on such unfortunate times when I am the designated driver or must work early in the morn. In the instance that I must purge my body of the liquids I have quaffed I will always rinse out my mouth with water afterwords, thus preventing an unseemly odor in consequent conversations. Even in extreme states of drunkeness I can still mix perfect martinis, tell a lucid joke, cook a good meal, and divide up a bar tab fairly.

Allow a moment for me to silence your protests before they sound, I know already that there are those of you who may perhaps read this tome and exclaim, "But what about that one time...." Well, yes, there was that one time. Of course there was that one time, and I'm sure you have had plenty of those one times as well. Do not accuse me of being myopic when looking inward, I admit to those one times and in my defense must ask - have I done that since? Did I learn my lesson? Indeed I have, and that, my little chickadees is why I am a better drunk than you.