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Although there were some intra-family disputes about what belongs where, we did derive a basic candy hierachy, and I do think it is basically sound. This taxonomy is based on years of research and debate, on thorough testing and re-testing, on statistical comparison and quality measurement, on focus group testing, and on a series of FTIR scans that reveal various hydrocarbon peaks and whatnot. Please keep this taxonomy in mind when passing out candy to trick or treaters this All Hallow's Eve.

In other words, this is sound science.

Here’s what we’ve found, with uncertainties acknowledged:

THE CANDY HIERARCHY (2012)
TOP TIER?



(caramel, chewy, elegant)?
Any full-sized candy bar[1] — Caramellos[2] — Milky Way — Snickers — Rolos[3] — Twix — Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups — Cash, or other forms of legal tender[4] — Cadbury Creme Eggs[5] — Goo Goo Clusters[6]

QUASI-SILURIAN



(a minor disruption in the stratigraphic sequence, this recently identified vein of mint is)
Mint M&Ms — Junior Mints — York Peppermint Patties — Senior Mints — Mint Kisses — Mint Leaves — Mint Juleps — Anything from the Franklin Mint

POST-TERTIARY



(not surprisingly, it’s predominantly chocolate-based)
Hershey’s Kissables — Lindt Truffle — Nestle Crunch — Peanut M&M’s — Regular M&Ms[7] — Three Musketeers[8] — Kit Kat — Dark Chocolate Hershey — Tolberone something or other [9]

SECOND TIER



(oh look, mostly chocolate, just not as good)
Mounds — Tootsie Rolls — Whoppers[10] — Fair Trade Chocolate[11] — Butterfinger — Pay Day — Baby Ruth — Swedish Fish[12] — Almond Joy — Cadbury’s Creme Eggs[5] — Ferrero Rocher[13]

THIRD TIER



(the chewy range or, in some circles, the Upper Chewy or Upper Devonian)
Milk Duds — Benzedrine -- Jolly Ranchers (if a good flavor) — [14] — Starburst — Skittles — Stale Tootsie Rolls — Licorice (not black) — Reggie Jackson Bar — Bonkers[15] — 100 Grand Bar — Heath Bar — a DVD copy of Candy, starring Heath Ledger — Minibags of chips [16] — Glow sticks — Hershey’s Milk Chocolate

BOTTOM TIER



(the Lower Chewy or Middle Crunchy Tart Layer)
Dots — Lollipops — Nerds — Runts — Trail Mix — Mary Janes — Gummy Bears straight up — White Bread — Spree — Black Licorice — Anything from Brach's[17] — Hard Candy — Bubble Gum — Including the Chiclets (but not the erasers) — Black Jacks — LemonHeads — LaffyTaffy — Good N' Plenty — Jolly Ranchers (if a bad flavor) — Bottle Caps — American Smarties [18] — Chalk [18] — "those odd marshmallow circus peanut things" — gum from baseball cards — candy that is clearly just the stuff given out for free at restaurants — ribbon candy — Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction, by Luke Davies.

TIER SO LOW IT DOES NOT REGISTER ON OUR EQUIPMENT [13]



Healthy Fruit[20] — Pencils [21]— Hugs (actual physical hugs)[21] — Lapel Pins — Extra Strength Tylenol — Pebbles — "anonymous brown globs that come in black and orange wrappers" — Now'n'Laters[22] — Whole Wheat anything — “good tidings”, or “helpful advice” or renewed calls to “get the F- off my porch or I’ll call social services on your Mom again, Jason!” — broken glow stick — kale smoothie

Benjamin R. Cohen & David Ng