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As he was driving on this rainy summer evening towards the apartment he was invited for dinner, he asks himself.

“Have I already made up my mind about this one?” he contemplates.




This wasn’t the first time he had met up with this guy in person. It was only a week ago that they had met for lunch.




“He could grow on me,” he thinks to himself as he pulls into the drive way.




It was over a sandwich that they had their first face to face conversation. He had been meaning to meet up with him all summer but it wasn’t until the end of it that the opportunity came up.




“He’s nice and sweet and most the guys I run into aren’t anything like this,” he tells himself as he parks right next to his host’s sports car.




The two were at first nervous naturally but he did his best to act natural and make his new friend comfortable. He didn’t feel at all intimidated by his presence which was an unusual feeling. Most of the guys he met and was interested in made him feel lesser or unworthy but this guy was different. It was a situation where he felt the two had equal control of.




“He has a car, a job, and his own place, that is a first in my dating history,” he talks to his three fingers as he listed the pro’s.




The two were around the same life experience if you will. They had both just finished college and working full time. They had both had similar luck with dating and relationships. The whole boy meets boy but boy wants something serious and other boy just wants something to play with.




“No one has made me dinner before, I mean that should say a lot,” he said out loud as he shut the door to his car and locked it.




So what exactly was he trying to convince himself about if this guy had what he was looking for. He knocks on the door.




“This is what I was looking for right?” as he knocks.




“Hey” the host of the evening says as he opens the door.

“Hey what’s up!” he returns lively, but thinks maybe that was just a bit too and revealed his anxiousness.




This help the apprehensive air in the room drop a little and give the room a cool casual tempo.




“Nothing, just finishing dinner,” his host closes the door.




The two look at each other.




“Okay so maybe I was expecting a hug but maybe we don’t have to after all,” the thinks to himself as he cuts off the eye contact and takes a look around.




“Man, smells good.” He complimented the cook of the night.




The place was organized well and decorated modestly with a touch of creativity. As the host walked to the kitchen to check on dinner after a less than awkward introduction, he took look around at the pictures on the wall and amateur photography displays.




“Did you want something to drink?”

“What do you got?” he replied.

“Water, Kool-Aid, and coke”

“I’ll take Kool-Aid,” he said as he looked up in thought.




They sat down at the dinner table with everything all set up from the matching plates and cups to the alfredo chicken casserole and mix fruit as a nice sweet side. He wasn’t even hungry yet he dug in like it the first meal of the day.




As they ate the two conversed about their past relationships, one such story that caught his attention and sadly envied was one about the relationship he had with his best friend.




“Do you think you still love him?” He asked the dinner host.

“I can’t really answer that question because I don’t know if love explains the feelings I have or had for him but I am trying to get over him or how he had made me felt,” in a half convincing and half internal struggling tone.

“I can’t say that I have ever been in love with a guy but I have been in love before,” he affirmed.

“I don’t know if I have ever been in love?”

“I think if I was you I would have been with this guy,” he tried to relate.

“I don’t know if the feelings I had were for him or for the way he made me feel?” the host tried to explain.

“And how exactly did he make you feel?”

“He made me feel like a person,” with a serious stare as the host described.




They talked about their families, how they came out to them, and how that turned out.




“I don’t know how I would feel if my parents told me that?” he declared with surprise.

“They love me I’m sure,” the host defended.

“Oh, well I’m not saying they don’t but I am just trying to imagine how something like that would have influenced me or my perspective of coming out to my parents.”

“What can you do,” the host responded.

“I guess you’re right, I’ve learned you can’t control what others are going to think, even if what they think hurts,” he expressed.

“I just can’t imagine having to experience something like that,” he pondered to himself in remorse.

“So what exactly are you looking for in person?” the host asked.

“I don’t think I know what I want now,” he thought to himself.

“I dunno,” he responded hastily but then thought for second.

“I just want someone to share the experience with, someone to have fun with.” He tried again in his explanation.

“Don’t get me wrong, I do want something serious but to also have a good time with, “he continued.

“Ugh I hate the word serious, I mean I want the commitment or the exclusiveness but I don’t want to talk about living together either.”

“Your turn, what are you looking for?”

“I’m looking for someone that is nice, someone that respects me, and some one that treats me like a person and not just someone with a penis,” the host replied.

He chuckled at the last part of the host answer.

“Most guys just get up and go but I want someone to wake up next to in the morning,” the host continued.

“Yea that would be really nice,” he agreed.




By the end of the night the two had talked pretty late in the evening. He decided that it was time to go. He thanked the host for dinner and for such a pleasant evening. The two hugged and he excited. As he was walking back to the car the thought himself.




“Gosh, he’s such a nice guy, such a nice guy that I could have but what is it because I just don’t feel it between us.”




As he got into his car and drove off a song on the radio caught his attention and he turned up the volume to listen.




“You can lead a heart to love but you can’t make it fall”





He finally thought to himself.




“Just because its good for you, doesn’t mean it’s meant for you.”